Exploded :-(

There was an entry of mine entitled "Hope I Could Still Make it....." Now, I am making my entry as " Exploded", meaning I wasn't able to make it anymore. I gave up already, can't take it anymore to be treated unequal and to be fooled and lied to.

Now, what am I wishing for at this moment :

> to be really over it
> to be peaceful
> to be loved until when I get old bcoz I can also give love
> to be a more stronger woman
> a fighter
> a go getter
> to be more mature
> to learn more in different aspects like work, life, love and trials
> to be understood bcoz I am willing to understand
> to be well taken cared of
> to be a more responsible mother
> to be happy and healthy
> and to have money for better living

I really hope and wish for all of these sooner or later, one step at a time.

Octoberfest na !!!!!!!

OCTOBERFEST NA 2004 !!!!!! Grabe, I miss this gig, kahit di Octoberfest nakakapunta ako sa mga gigs especially pag Razorback ang may play.

Anyway, view pics from their past years with my late one :



This is picture with Wolfgang


The Razorback Band


Their show for Cebu


Show in Folk Arts Theater at the back stage

Hope I Could Still Make it........?

Today and and this time is my bloggin day again (well everday is my blogging day, hehehe).

I don't know if this is really a challenge to me that's why I named my blog as " My Never Ending Story " because my challenges and trials doesn't end.

My only goal in life together with my son is to be happy most especially with my Ally and nothing else. I don't want to start and start again from square one.

Hope everything will turn out right for us because I can't tell to myself that I've made the wrong decision. I took this risk and I am willing to face it.

Transitions since then ........

This is the most thrilling one, view the hottest pictures i retrieved from my drive C; you can see the changes from our hair and weight and looks also especially me.

Picture # 1:

It's Baet, Shiena and me (Winnie) - obviously we are eating, I just can't remember why we are eating here and what's the occasion, basta kasi may kainan, present kami lagi :-)

Picture # 2:

Me and Shiena - may client call kami nito as far as I remember di ko na nga lang tanda kung sang client

Picture # 3:

Baet, Maya, Winnie and Shiena - kainan pa rin ito, same day of pictire #1, tignan nyo kung gano pa kaikli buhok ni Baet :-)

And lastly Picture # 4 :

O di ba bongga ang kuha ko dito ang ikli ng hair ko at take note katabi ko sa picture nito si Charlene Gonzales, crop ko nga lng dahil mas maganda ako sa kanya, chuvaaa......

Cadence

Hahaha, where can I find this old movie that I really wanted to watch again. I could not forget this movie, don't know why :-)

You bloggers out there, if you have a vcd or dvd of this movie, please please please I beg let me borrow it.

Couch Potato - Amazing !

We were on our way to our Friday gimmick madness, "The Basement"

The stars are: Maya, Winnie. Kim, Shiena, Kimchi, Emmy, Camille, Baet, Fritz, Raffy, Doodle and Dennis. We had so much fun drinking and of course dancing till mornin'

I went home at 3 am, whewww, it's been a long time since I went home at the same time from a gimmick.

But no hangover, just can't get up in bed for being so sleepy.

Got up before lunch time and started to be a couch potato.

Movies I watched, take a look :

The Hostess !!!

Well ,well well, see me last Friday at Grilla?

A very dashing pic from Emmy's digicam :

grabe ang taba ko na :-(


Have a look at some pics from the party:We don't know if we'll still be here next year, coming soon and next attraction ..............

@ 5 years

Aha, just remembered that I did celebrate my 5th year here in JobStreet, same with Baet. It's really been so long for me and Baet. We really hope to get out of here next year :-)

Wanna see us how we looked like of 1999 to 2004:

Take a wild look and laugh .....



BEFORE - 1999 From left to right: Camille; Noena; Viktor; Winnie: Jhay; Carla & Baet


AFTER - 2004 Baet and Winnie

Daddy's Girl

Got an appointment yesterday, anyway, only the Lord can help me on that, if it's really for me it's for me if it's not it's not :-)

After the meeting, going out of the hotel, only one person whose in my mind, my dad, God I missed him so much, he always comfort me kasi all the support that I need, he's my confidence in everything that I do, as in all the way support, he's really my buddy buddy. If I can only call him up there and talk for a while, I will definitely call him. But of course, he's with the Lord already, I have to remind myself of that.

My Ally called me right away (maybe my dad whispered to him to call me because I really need someone and that he can't make it to me). After saying Hello, Ally asked how was it, then told everything.

We met in megamall, he eased my pain, my depression by just embracing me. For me it really counts a big favor. Thank God I have him in my life.

We had dinner, chat for a while then went home already.

Happy Friday :-)

At last it's Friday already, really looking forward to rest, sleep, and watch dvd for 2 days and of course, reading my newly bought book :-)

Well, tonight we have a Costume party to be held in Grilla Libis, this is a celebration for over hitting September's target way ahead to 4M. We will also be having our monthly communications meeting, some updates and the auction game that will be hosted by ME.

I asked permission with my Ally if I can drink tonight, yes he allowed me but drink moderately :-) Of course I will follow him hehehe.....

We hope to have a great time tonight.

Coolness of Fritz's website

This is so great, Fritz do have his own website http://www.mesedilla.com and he made us special color effects with our names on it that when clicked it will lead you to our own blogs. Coolness !!!! :-) You are so great, I also liked the color.

Anyway, this is what Fritz made :

Summer at the Lake by Andrew Greeley :-)

Whew..... After having lunch with Kimmy, I went straight ahead to Shrine to attend mass. Solemnly prayed to God, really asked for 1 thing if it's really for me, (the interview I had this morning from one of the biggest companies), of course the everyday prayers I say. Yes, I believe that there are no Unanswered prayers, but there are just prayers that the answer is NO.

After the mass, I went to National Bookstore just to window shop on what shall I wear for tomorrow's halloween party in Grilla at Libis. It captured my interest to take at look at the book sale of NBS for only $99 and it's a hard bound book :-) I only saw 1 book that really interests me to pick it up and was urged to buy. I need to save my money for my transportation allowance but I can't help to buy this one at least for myself......
Since me and my Ally is doing great well in our relationship, building more trust to each other, letting each other feel that the love is not changing but growing. I want to have more time for myself, my son and of course for him.

The book is all about "A stunning novel of young love and love regained"

I would really like to start reading this already. I will start tonight.

Saw a picture of the book in google:


By: Andrew Greeley - Best Selling Author of White Smoke

House of Flying Daggers

I just had a date and we watched the movie "The House of Flying Daggers" , It was indeed a great movie for me and my Ally. Although they spoke Chinese and have to read the English translation written up to the end of the movie but still I will give this movie a 4 star ****.

It was also about love, love triangle as well. It is also love for country, sacrificing, and work responsibility.
Watch this film and I hope you'll also love it.

View some scenes that I captured :


"The most wanted kiss that I like doing my love to me"


"The one true love"


"One fight scene"


"The blind dancing queen"


"Jin - as called Wind"


"Mei - Wind's real love"


"Leo - who have loved Mei for 3 years"


"A scene after their passionate love making"

Cooling down for good

Me and my love is cooling down but for good of our relationship :-) We want to strengthen our relationship so we can really work this out because we both don't want to spoil it out. Realizing that we really love each other.

We last saw each other last Friday and just saw last night then went home. We want to miss each other but constant communication is still there like phone calls, ICQ, and text.

Being with him last night makes me more realize that he loves me and that I should really trust him. Well for me to stop being paranoid and be jealous of nothing and to no one. I have also realized who he really was. When times he's down, tired, stressed and pressured, he does not want to be bothered as for me making kulit to him :-) Now I know where I should be standing for him. Well, really also makes me know that "GUYS ARE REALLY LIKE THAT". Maya take note. They have something in common.

For me, noted, accepted and just merely facing it now and will be facing it tomorrow until we last.

Guys don't really show their true feelings for their love one, now I really got it, my love is like that but he loves me, I know because my heart feels of his true love for me.

I will just wait as I have told him that I will wait for him and will be with him for better or for worst.

Boldyak last Monday :-(

What a Monday to start with hehehe, naboldyak ako ng cheer leader namin together with my co-SA. Why? because I was only able to close new companies for the 3rd week , 9 companies only. What can I do, I don't wanna call, I don't wanna work, just wanna sit here, chat and get inbound calls hehehe. But for the revenue target, it's over exceeded already, thank God for that :-)

Our cheer leader might be assigned in Cebu , good luck to him, and the Sr SA is already taking over but just to know that there will no increase only the responsibilities will increase, good luck also to him hehehe.

Good luck to MAX for next year because all of us are planning to leave, hopefully we could all have new opportunities for our career.

Next week I am expecting another Boldyak hehehe, good luck also to me:-)

Why ME ? <------

This is not my time of the week and month. So many things happened and are happening still. Before going to the office, I drop by to the church for HIM to give us more strength, guidance and more love.

I really can't explain how am I feeling right then and now. Don't know also what to say for myself. Naahh It's really hard to advice to yourself, yeah right ........ All I wanna do is cry, cry and cry more just to ease all the pain I am feeling right now....... (really, typing this blog just makes my tears fall)

You can never have all the love in the world (like the song of the Corrs). I am thinking that writing this blog can help me release what my true feelings are. I need to have an outlet or else I will burst into emotions of everything.

Stress and pressure at work makes a big factor to me and my love that affects our relationship. Knowing the fact that he's just tired and everything. I need to practice and really start now to adjust to meet him halfway without expectations. Yes, definitely we are in the adjusting period (everybody does, except for those 7 yrs and up relationship). I get paranoid of thinking that he doesn't love me anymore and will leave me. But I have to stuck into my mind the words he gave me, that he loves and that I should trust him. I should really start doing that.

I am a crying lady and that's a fact, I just really really hope that he accepts me for being like that.

Minsan tuloy naiisip ko na sana di na lng ako na inlove or never na sana akong magmahal after that all that happened to me. But I just believed in the Lord that he wants me to love again and I know he will not give me to this man if he's not worth for me or vice versa. Bothered of thinking right now of what to do, am I going to give up and let him go or not, to stay with him and support him until he has overcome everything? All I know at this time, I love him so much, the reason why i have tears for him, and undecided on what to do.

Upon arriving here in the office, I turned on my pc and texted him right away, my message was :
"
Ally ingat ka po ha, I know na pist off ka na sakin the past few days, for all the wrong doings dat ive done to u I'M SORRY. Just tell me kung gsto mo muna ako lumayo syo ha 2 give u space , I'll respect that . I will support still. If ever u decide on that I'll wait pa rin for you. I LOVE YOU.
I have loved you ally, we are both presssured & stressed sa work pati na rin family matters.Nasa adjusting period pa rin tyo of really getting 2 know better. I know my lapses and am willing to adjust to meet u halfway for the better of our relationship. I will not give up ally on us dahil alam ko kaya natin to."

There is something holding me to give him up and that is something I don't know why. In my mind all I know is just that I love him so much, that I am willing to be with him for better or for worst. I have accepted him for whomever he is and whatever he is. His family and everything, his strengths and weaknesses.

I just hope that we could talk and he will also open up to me so we could really furnish things out for the better of our relationship. I will wait for the right time for this.

Another thing that is bothering me, that is my son, he's been not behaving in school, I need to focus on him right now, not tomorrow, not the next day but NOW.

I need to balance everything in my entire life now, as in balance my love, my son, my mom and my work.

GOD HELP ME AND GUIDE ME to be more stronger.

Certified Cancerian

Cancer in Love June 22-July 22

Cancer is the cardinal water sign indicating that strong and rushing feelings and emotions guide their actions. When they love they love forever...period. Their extremely tough outer shell makes it hard to truly get into their heart but once in the loved one becomes pampered, adored and prone to being the intense focus of their feelings and moods. A Cancer lover instinctively nourishes and dotes on the object of their heart and can be all encompassing in all ways.

Being traditional and home oriented means male Cancers like to follow the proper rules and ways to court, to fall in love and to make it permanent. Likewise for females who tend to wait until the man makes his move regardless of how strongly they may want to make a move. No one can do love and give love like a Cancer can, but it is heart and maternally oriented as opposed to sexually oriented and its worse tendency is to be smothering.

A Cancer who feels insecure in a relationship is apt to become demanding: her sulking silently hurt or verbally making it clear what is wrong and why. The outer shell protects them from giving too soon and too often but those outer claws (another Crab attribute) serve to hold onto a loved one with a tenacious grasp that is almost impossible to break. Yet their actions are always driven by the true depth of their feelings and the loved one almost always holds a cherished spot in their heart even long after the union is over. When it comes to protection...not even Leo can outdo the fierce and loyal strength that a Cancer wields in the name of protecting a loved one

Cancer Sexuality

Sex is not definable without emotions for most Cancers and they must feel something with relative strength for their truest feelings to come out in a romantic and sexual interlude. They are tender and partner oriented lovers and more concerned with pleasing their mates and feeling the returning emotions as nurturing proof of the partners love. Sex for cancer is attached to all things which mean security and loyalty and truth of the heart. Their needs tend to fluctuate according to their moods and emotional state as does their intensity and their desire levels. In many ways sexuality is an empowered field for Cancer as they are the zodiacs maternal nurturers it is the literal act of sex which has molded their 'job'. A cancer who is in love and feels secure will intuitively understand that and will treat it as the joyful gift it is.

The Long Term Story

In a solid, secure relationship a Cancer can easily support the nuances of a long term relationship as they naturally nourish and supplement the changing nature of the union. On a lovers part it is important to understand their emotional vulnerability and how they cope with that through their built in defense mechanisms. Cancers are, undeniably, prone to a certain moodiness and such is the way they can learn to bend and flow and give what is needed to nurture those around them. The more a partner learns to enhance a cancers ability to detach from what is going around them and to learn the truth of their own power of emotional freedom the less this natural moodiness will manifest in overt ways.

Positive Traits in Love

Loyal, supportive, nurturing, compassionate, caring, dedication, faithfulness of emotions, tenderness, pampering, and adoration.

Negative Traits

Possessiveness, jealousy, moodiness, volatility, control issues, dependency issues, depression

What a Cancer Likes

Feeling appreciated, Sincerity, Tradition, Stability, Routine, Loyalty, Commitment, Laughing, Feeling

What a Cancer Dislikes

Erratic ness, Sudden, unexpected changes, Insincerity, Being ignored, Dishonesty, Not knowing how you feel, Being uncomfortable

Cancer Love Keywords

Emotional, fluid, nurturing, supportive, moody, insecure, loving, loyal, tradition oriented, modest, generous, sincere.

Mom - What is it like?????

Hard to me a Mom hahhh, Yeah right !!!! Definitely, absolutely right. !!!!!

This is the hardest , the most hardest responsibility I have and had and still having :-) They have mixed emotions and experiences. I have only one son, my unico iho (Vince) , he looks cute, and guaping di ba pero as in super tigas ng ulo (i am really crying na on raising him) .



And to think that I am also the bread winner and so called single mom. I do everything as in everything, but I can only give a little time in teaching his lessons because ....... I have a very very little patience in teaching kids. Good thing I'm not a teacher, well even when I was a kid I never dreamed of being a one.

My dearest is 6 years old and he's in Grade 1. Ahhhh, it's hard to raise a boy that age, whewww, he really can make me cry. I can even call all the angels in heaven just to help me raise him.

Anyway, in due time, he'll soon understand me why I'm doing this to him. And my Ally is helping me out in raising him , thanks again.

Hoping and kept on praying that his dad guide me with him so I can raise him well.

Today Onwards

Today onwards as I've said, I want to change things slowly in a different way when it comes to my heart issue.

And here are my lists: (well of course I won't let my love read this)

1. I want to focus more on myself, my career.
2. Of course my Vince is another issue, it's already given that I have to pay attention with thim (even if we quarrel all the time)We just had a fight this morning hehehe, thank God I didn't had high blood :-)
3. I will just let it flow our relationship ....... until it lasts......
4. Expect nothing from my partner from now on to avoid dissapointment

Ehh, these are my initial lists for now. I'll just add when something comes into my mind again.

Sick and still sick

Good morning, it is October 12,2004 and I was on sick leave yesterday because of my cough and colds and today it's still the same way. Nahh, the reason why I am not in the mood to work, and that's why I'm just doing my blog and catching up with Maya and Shiena hehehe :-) Anyway, it seems that everyday is a boring day for me and not in the mood to work. I have not been motivated these past few months due to unprofessional leader itself. Well I know this is not a reason but it makes a bog factor to me since I've been with the company for more that 5 years already. I have transferred into so many positions here in this company and I think this will be the last position that I will be taking. I thought accepting the offer as Sales Associate will give me more benefit more that the monetary, but I was wrong.

It's only now that I realized that I would want to go back to my old position but I pursue that career not here anymore but to another company already :-) Hopefully start January 2005, I will soon find my new job also to compensate my expenses.

Hopefully also, me and my loveone can pursue with our plans because it's also for my Vince.

My Mission

If one of you have read all my inputs here, maybe you can tell me what's my mission , not for myself but for somebody else. It's been going to be 4 yrs already since my hubby died, then the next is a history. I just came to realize my mission in my life after my late bf went to heaven also. Imagine, after 9 years we met again and to think that he's still madly in love with me. Really God knows how to make his son to be happy in his last few days. He brought me to him then we were just us for only 8 months. Hiding to me the real score of his illness of his kidneys, the reason why I was so shocked that he was hospitalized, knowing that he's very healthy. He even told me that he's cured already in the States. I know he doesn't want me to worry so much about his illness because I will then be paranoid about it.

Then came the day he had his kidneys not functioning anymore to the point he had his hightest high blood. He was confined in ICU. To make the story short, he give up after 3 days.

Of course, there is really pain on my end, but I have to face it and accept it without angriness with the Lord. It was that incident I came to understand my mission, the family and friends of my late bf proved to me that I made a big difference to their son and friend. They said I made him happy, made him have a direction in his life and building dreams and fulfilling it and so on and so forth........ It also helped me to recover fast and to accept things easier.

Now, that my current loveone, his mother died just last 2 weeks ago, I can now fully understang my mission to him. I have to support him end to end, give him moral suppport, emotional support and let him feel that he's still very lucky compared to me. Teach him how to be a stronger person to face reality in life and to enjoy life now before it's too late.

Enjoying my life now is one of my biggest goal in life no matter how hard it is, how tough it is, as long as I can face it with my head up and not turning back of what's in front of me.

I want my loveone now to get some of my strength and pursuance in achiving a goal that we'll both make our dreams come true.

Makes me realize that "Things really happen for a reason" but reasons will come after some period of time. Patience is also the key to get answers of what is happening behind.

Dampa Day!

Thanks to Fritz for uploading already our pics in Dampa. Thanks also to Kim for the yummy treat.

Take a look at the pics,

Time will heal the pain and wounds !

As we go along each day in both our offices and work, me and Ally have both scenarios. My Ally wants to resign and find another job. The company is having financial problems already. He also wants to change his environment to recover also. He cannot just resign because he will be the one to shoulder the monthly payment of the lot they got for his mom. He's also bothered of the decision for that Nigeria thing. Of course, I won't let him go there , not to that country. He will not grow there. If I will allow him to go abroad, it will be in Canada because he's auntie is leaving there.

Me here, I really don't want to work anymore, good thing my sale is just coming in. I reached and over my revenue target already. I really want to resign already bcoz of the leadership held here is not respectable (everybody knows this).

I told Ally, I want to settle him first before I resign here. I plan to apply by the start of January 2005.

Hopefully we both get a better job from a better company. God help us.

I am also betting from Lotto everyday, testing our luck so we could build and plan already if we will win. If I win, I will definitely help my Ally's family of their financial problems.

Sad news

After that tiring 2 weeks and his first bday with me and his new job. There was a bad news the next day Sept 25. My Ally's mom was hospitalized Sept 14 (Tuesday night). Had a stroke again and was confined in ICU. Ally and me was so bothered then that his mom needs to have a blood transfer. Of course, they need money in Nueva Ecija, I helped my Ally depositing money into his father's account to be able to sustain the expenses needed. The next day, pay period , we both deposited money again but there was a problem, his father went to the hospital and wasn;t able to get the money from the bank. Ally is so angry bcoz it was for his mom's blood transfer. He's so worried. I came to his office to deliver the 1 dozen order of perfumes to his officemate. Then saw him like that. We both decided that night to go home to his hometown immediately straight to the hospital in Cabanatuan. Came there at exactly 12 midnight, saw his father, and 2 sisters, with brother in law and of course his kuya came too.They were all so nice to me. But of course I was nervous. I was with him to support him completely.

We were there until the next day , until he and his kuya were able to talk to their mom in ICU. I also gave him advice on maximizing his time in the hospital while looking for another set of money to be left to his sister. And we were able to get help from his friend , thank God. Then finally at the end of that day we went home back to Manila. Tired and very sleepy that night again. We went home and I still took care of him. I disregarded my tiredness bcoz of my love to him. I know I am much stronger and braver to face those kinds of situations. He even told me that he's so thankful that was I with him and wouldn't know what to do if I'm not with him.

Days passed, his mom was able to get out of ICU , and we're all happy to know that, we were also informed that Sept 25 will be the release of his mom to the hospital and to rest at home and continue for medication. Saturday morning at around 8 am, me and Ally are preparing to go to my seminar and him to the office, his kuya called asking him to call their home. Then we went out to look for a pay phone then got to talk to his cousin and brother, sad news, his mom died in the hospital , shocked my Ally and me too, Oh God I know the feeling, I hold the hands of Ally to give him strenght. We went back to the house, called his sister in HK to break the sad news. My ally cried hard to me, saying so many words that I can't stop him because I know it's his burst of feelings, I just embraced him so well that I even cried hard too with him. We took a bath then went again to Gapan, straight ahead to the funeral service, saw his mom lying already while my Ally is still in shock to see his mom like that. I holded his hand and accompanied him beside his mom's coffin. I then realized I was so brave already , even checked the make up of his mom if it's ok. Then we went to their house already.

I saw his ate again and his dad. His father embraced him and cried hard to my Ally. His ate, came to me and cried too. I just comforted her and Ally. I helped them fix things there, like making the names of their whole family for the coffin. I also helped Ally to buy flowers. Of course I also helped in serving the people who condoled with them.

Being there, I am not expecting anything from Ally, but to my big big surprise, he did not left me. We got to sleep for a while, slept beside each other and he never releases his arms from my body which makes me feel so secured and loved even in that time. Any single move I make, he awakes and asked me where will I go, I am just turning around to change my position in sleeping. He even said " Hmmm dito ka lng Allie, (sabay akap lalo ng mahigpit)" Of course I reciprocated a big hug to him to let him feel I will not leave him.

The next day was the same, i helped out in washing the dishes and other things. Sunday night, he decided to go with me back to Manila because he will be picking up her sister from HK on Monday 1 pm in NAIA terminal 2.

Tired again from Gapan, but I was still standing still :-). I reported to office Monday morning, got a text from Ally that their on there way back to Gapan already with his sister. Many things happened, he always call me even if I'm here in Manila, updating me what's happening there. He keeps on asking me when will I come back , he even wants me to take a leve and be there with him. As much as I wanted too, I really can't go back there immediately because of my resposisbilities here in the office, at home and to my son, I need to fix first our meralco, then to have grocery first before I leave Manila. I also need to get my salary first then get payments to the perfumes.

Then came Friday already, I brought my things in the office, with his extra shirts and pants, and everything he needs. I got a chance to ask permission to leave early at 5 pm telling our TL that I will be travelling long.
The bus went off at exactly 5:30 then I was down in their hometown at excatly 8:30. He picked me up there and went to their house. Last night of his mom, there were Musiko and many people were there. Saw his sister from HK. His father offered to let me have dinner first. He introduced me to his cousins and his classmates from high school and college. That also surprised me. His officemates went also there that night.

Then came the next day, the burial day, it was of course a dramatic scene for everybody but I prepared myself on how to console my Ally. Good thing he was ok then.

We planned to go back to Manila, Sunday night. They still need to clean the whole house. I helped them out again that Sunday, we were all tired but fulfilling. Arrived at home at 12 midnight and again we were both fast asleep.

Then back to normal mode, we both reported to work. He feels it's his first day in work. What I did from that day, I supported him and still doing it until now.